talkinwhipapediafandomcom-20200213-history
UPS Throwdown
(Ring) Hello? Hi, my name’s Guy, with United Parcel Service. How’re you doing today? I’m doing alright. Alright, we’ve been out there a couple times, our driver’s reporting that you’re not around for a C.O.D. delivery. Ah, just wanted to know a better time to come back, today or tomorrow. What? Our driver sir has got a C.O.D. delivery for you. We need to know a better time for you to, uh, be present, sign for your delivery, pay for it. What kind of parcel is this? C.O.D. Four-hundred and sixteen dollars seventy-nine cents. It is Canadian, Flea Genie, it’s some sort of animal product. Are you there between one PM and five PM tomorrow? At my house? Yeah, I’m there...but an animal product, I don’t feel like I ordered an animal product. Okay, but he’s rang the bell and no one answered the door, and we can’t just leave it there, you understand? Okay. Well, uh, yeah, I’ll be there tomorrow. Ah, and if you wanted to, just go ahead and let us take care of the payment now. And then you can leave it in a safe place. Like WHAT?? Um, a Visa or MasterCharge. I never, I never bought a parcel. It’s from The Flea Genie dot com. So you can take care of your pets, or whatever you got, animals of some kind. Yeah I don’t, I don’t… (LPC Sound Effects) Pardon? (Laughs) What the fuck? (Person in background) Hang up on this dude. So we’re just waiting for a credit card number. A credit card number for what? (Talking in background, hard to hear, but something like: “no credit card number, hang that shit up”). Uh, for Flea Genie dot com. I’ve never been on Flea Genie dot com. (LPC sound effects) How do you spell “Flea Genie”? Uh, it says here F-L-E-A G-E-N-I-E dot com. And it’s none of my affair, sir, where you shop. Or what you do. I’m just here at United Parcel Service. Well, I’m not gonna pay for anything that I didn’t purchase. (LPC SFX). Yeah, well you made the purchase. That’s not even an issue. We just need to receive payment at this time, okay? But I, But I, But I didn’t make it, though. Long number that begins with the four, sir. Followed by the expiration date. (LPC SFX) (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Hello? Yes, sir, (Hello?) this is Peter, I’m a manager up here at UPS. What appears to be the trouble up here today, sir? Uhh, I don’t have any trouble. You’ve got a parcel that you’re not paying for? You’re not paying for your item, is what I’ve been told. (SFX) I’m a manager up here, sir. What? Why are you guys...why do you guys keep calling me? What is the issue, sir? Pay for your item, and let’s resolve this issue here today. (SFX) Do you understand? Or?... (Laughter) I don’t understand. Four-hundred and sixteen dollars and seventy-nine cents. (loop effect) dollars and seventy-nine cents...dollars and seventy-nine cents. Alright? You can pay with credit card or (quick SFX) check routing number. Ummm. I (Unintelligible) Flea Genie dot com? I never heard of Flea Genie dot com in my life. Flea Genie dot com? I never heard of that. Well, I don’t believe ya, number one. Why are you guys harassing me now? Why are you harassing me? I don’t believe ya, matter of fact. I show a purchase history from that very same website, to you. I show a purchase history a mile long. To you. Now, what does that, what, what, what do they say? So don’t say that you’ve never heard of it and never seen it or never ordered from it. ‘Cause I see a purchase history a miiile long. Miiiiile long. What did I buy? Miiiiile long. (Pitch shift SFX) Miiiiile long. Miiiiile long. A mile long. (Laughter in background) so just if you want to read a credit card number or a…(SFX) routing number, we’ll get it taken care of. But I don’t want to hear this ‘Oh, I’ve never heard of it, I’ve never seen that, I don’t know whatcha mean.’ Skip that, alright buddy? Woah. Skip it. I don’t know, you guys might have to call the police, then. Stop it. Stop it. Skip it. (SFX) Just skip that nonsense son. Just skip that nonsense son. Ya got it? Look, you want to act big time and make online purchases, well step up to the plate and pay for your item. (Laughter and high pitched voice in background) Who the fuck are you? Yo. This is UPS, buddy. Who the fuck are you? United Parcel Service. Big time. I’ve been here for four months. UPS doesn’t talk to me when, when I… If I were to call UPS, they wouldn’t talk to me like this, so… UPS. I’m a manager. Oh, this is the big time. (Laughter. In background) I’m a manager! (SFX) UPS. I’m a manager. Oh, this is the big time here guy. UPS. I’m a manager. Oh, this is the big time here guy. (Hang up sound) (LPC with SFX) Ohhhhhhh. - (Ring) Hello? Hi, yeah. (SFX) Hello? Yeah, how ya doin' up 'ere? (small sfx). Who's this? My name's Guy, and uh, I'm with UPS up here. The manager. UPS? Yes sir. Yeah, what can I do for you? Yeah, we got a parcel here, two, three of 'em, matter a fact. And the driver says no one's been there to sign...It's from Sysco Foods, sir. Sysco? Hold on a sec. So, we need to get a check, uhhh, or a credit card payment. Some method of payment here. Who, whose place you looking for? What is, what is, what is my name? What is YOUR name? I'm Guy here with, uh, United Parcel Service. Yeah, what can I do for you? What's my name? You know what my address is? Oh, sure I do. Sure I do. You got a pizza place, or something, or some kind of restaurant or something. Uhhh, this isn't just a bunch of hocus pocus, this is UPS calling. The guy rings the bell, it's best that you open the door. Is that clear (SFX) or? (New voice, presumably on a different extension of same line. Until end of call their voices are not differentiated in the transcription) I'm sorry who's this? Uh, United Parcel Service. Right here in Summerville. Ah, US Postal Service in Summerville? It's Parcel service, NOT postal service. It's the same problem we had when we sent our driver out there. 'Oh, the owner's not here, you'll have to come back later.' Uh-uh. We've done that three times already, okay? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Who's been driving and looking for? We got a parcel here from Sysco Foods. Is that understood? You, you got a parcel from Sysco? Uh, yeah, for the fourth time, yes we do. What's wrong with this guy?!? (wha, wha) SPEAK ENGLISH! Okay, so I'm, I'm, I'm... (LPC SFX) Ohhhhhhhhhhh. ...I'm there now, so when can you deliver this parcel? Oh, so now you want it, huh? (Inhale) Yeah, well we could be there in, uh, 90 minutes, after I'm done eating dinner. I'm sorry? Well, you should be sorry. We've been out there four times. You ignored the slip, you ignored your employees. It's time to get... YOU KNOW WHAT?!? I don't understand you, get someone else. I'm the executive, I'm in the executive tower here, United Parcel Service. - (Ring) Hello? Hi, this is Guy Person, with United Parcel Service. Uh, how are we tonight ma'am? Listen, is this a joke? A joke? Sincerely not a joke, ma'am. We're trying to get a delivery made, and no one's there... Well it's not gonna be tonight, sir. Oh, is that right? Okay?!? It's gonna be tomorrow. Alright?!? Uhhh, tonight works better for me, so uh, if you could... WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU! I DON"T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE, BUT IT'S NOT WORKING! Uhhh, United Parcel Service, ma'am. I've worked here for twelve years. LISTEN!!! (hang up sound). - End of track